Loss

This past week has been one of the hardest weeks that I have ever been through, not just for me but for Zack and I as a couple. It's amazing how God takes over your life and shows you that what you thought was in the plan may not be. Not many people know, but Zack and I found out that we were going to have a baby in the beginning of August. I didn't want to tell a lot of people because I thought "what if something happens, that's just that many more people we have to tell about our heartache". Well it happened, I went to the doctor last Monday for my first visit. We couldn't find the heartbeat and we just wrote it off as it being a little too early. Later in the week I went to my dad's office for him to try, he couldn't find one either. Imagine the pressure I put on my dad. He told me that I needed to set up an official ultrasound and see what was going on. I called my doctor and they were able to set it up for that afternoon. The whole way over there I was praying that God would make sure that everything was okay. I just wanted to have a "normal" child and "normal" pregnancy. I was alone and went to the 6th story of the Hillcrest Tower, they got me checked in and I went back to hopefully see my baby's heartbeat. The lady who helped me was so nice and I think she knew right away that something was wrong. She tried several angles and just couldn't find the heartbeat. Can you imagine what it would feel like to have to tell an expecting mother that their baby wasn't alive. I knew as soon as she started she tried to make me feel better but there just weren't words to describe the way I felt at that moment. I didn't even make it to the elevator before the tears began to come. As I waited for the there I was hoping the the elevator would be empty and I could just be alone. I rode down the elevator and put on my sunglasses before stepping out. As I walked to my car this overwhelming feeling came over my body. I just wanted to make it to the car so I could call Zack and tell him what had happened. I got to my phone and called, Zack answered and all I could do was sob. I had to tell him that we weren't going to have the baby that we had planned on having not now at least. That night involved a lot of crying and emotions that I never knew I had. I loved our baby and I didn't even know it. The next morning I called my doctor and she was able to get me in to do a D&C, that pretty much is just where they go in and clean everything out so that you can start over again if you choose. I went in at 11:00 and they did the surgery at 12:00, it lasted about 40 mins. I was ready to go home around 2:30. Zack had been waiting there and we were both ready to go home. It's a weird feeling knowing that you were pregnant going in that morning and not when it was all said and done. Saturday we just took it easy, I felt like I had been hit by a train. They said it was from the anesthesia. We went to church on Sunday and worshiped the Lord together. Columbus had an amazing band that lead worship and it was just what I needed. Zack and I were able to just sing and worship our amazing God, I began to feel the peace there. I needed that. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments and I'm so tired of hearing people say that we are young and have so many years to try again. We still suffered a loss, but that baby is up in heaven with God and we will get to meet that baby one day. The thought of that keeps me going, I know that God will bless us with children that baby was just meant to go be with him.